Goal!

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

"It's life's challenges that makes success taste the sweetest."
Well,that was what Ms Dalina told me during graduation day.
Yup,it's true,no doubt about the phrase, success would really be the sweetest after a really difficult period of life is cleared.
But,what happens when it's not cleared?
When you have no idea of how to get out.
How to pick up.
How to face it all coming at once.
What happens?
I guess only time can give me that answer.
Pretending.
I'm really tired of it le.
Putting up a brave front to the outside world.
Not only because i have to,but also because i want to.
I dun wanna become a emotional burden to anyone.
Especially my family and my friends.
My family bcos i'm the eldest son, someone who's suppose to take care of both my parents and siblings.Someone who's suppose to be able to tackle any problem.
Traditional and irrelevant thinking in a age like this?
I beg to differ, because imagine seeing your elder brother break down and waste himself.
Call it ego,call it what you like but i'll never tell my parents about my problems.
Because it is my duty as the eldest son to help and not add on to their problems and worries.
I need to face all this alone.
Because that's the only way i believe i can pull myself out of this hole.
And it was when someone asked me whether i need her to guide me and see me through when i realise that there's no point.
Because someone once did and left.
And no one could nor can ever gave what she gave to me.
Even though she what she left behind gives me sadness but also comfort at the same time.
And if you ask me whether i'll go thru that one month again,doing all the things tht i'll noe it'l still end up this way.I would still.
Even if i know the outcome and could decide,
I'll still choose to try to suprise you by rushing down to harbour front to wait for you after work,but only to find out that you did'nt work that day.
I'll still choose to lie to you about being ok when i'm actually not.
I'll still choose to go wait for you in the middle of the night at your busstop after leslie told me something made you upset.
I'll still choose to make that stupid card.
I'll still choose to eat that fish
I'll still choose to talk to you till 1plus even though i've got to wake at 5.3o
I'll still choose to live through the 27th again.
I'll still choose to go thru all of that i've been through with you.
Even if the outcome is still the same.
Even if in the end,i'll be in this state.
All because you gave me so much and what i've done could never be enough.
And so,when you had a problem and lied to me about getting over with it already.
I felt so useless and frustrated,not with you,but with myself.Because someone told me what happened and i could do was to pretend that it's fine if you had got over it, and did'nt want me to know.
Perharps it was during then that i've consigned myself to reality.
That we'll not be like before.
So that was then when i realised that the only thing i could do for you was to fade into the past and make myself dissappear from your life.Slowly,but surely.

8:35 PM